The last two weeks, well less than two weeks, but never-the-less, since my baptism, I have been struggling with a feeling of silence, or absence of God's voice and presence in my life.  The feeling of reciprocation that I have had and found great joy in since I truly committed myself to Christ had dried up.  This left me perplexed, and it left me somewhat adrift.  I continued my reading, continued praying, continued trying to seek Jesus out, yet I felt like I wasn't finding him.

I have talked with several about this feeling and my understanding based on the advice and testimony of their walks is that this kind of thing occurring is not an uncommon thing.  They said that God moved in cycles in this regard, move strongly in you, then give you some time to process.  My father explains it better.  Well, they all have experienced it and I'm somewhat still in the "honeymoon" phase of my walk with Christ.  I pray I never leave that phase, but God's will be done, not mine.

So The first 7 days of this or so went ok.  Things felt somewhat empty but I persevered, read, prayed and sought.  But, I felt empty and after a while I started seeking old pleasures.  As I was doing this I resisted or fell down but yet still turned to God immediately afterward and sought him harder, seemingly to no avail.  Yesterday, I prayed out to him, "I know your here and always here, but I miss you God"  God had withdrawn his presence and I really missed him.  I couldn't seem to find him.

Today, Jamie had to use the car, so I was home alone for several hours during the day.  I felt lonely, somewhat despondent and I knew it was wrong, that it saddened my Jesus but I turned from him and turned to old pleasures.  Jamie, came home in the middle of that struggle I was losing.  She needed a couple of things for her class and wasn't feeling well.  I got stuff ready, brought it out to the car and drove her to her class.

However, I knew if I went home right then I would continue to turn away from Jesus.  I couldn't do it, it wasn't in me to do it.  I HAD to have him back as a tangible presence again.  He is life and I can't live without him.  So instead of going home I went to IHOP.  I went feeling unworthy, feeling lonely and desperate to get Jesus back in immediacy.  I practically ran there feeling like a lost little child who can't find his dad.

I went in, expecting to find a seat somewhere and be miserable or something but once I walked through those doors and into the music and praise and worship and soul crying out of those hundreds for Jesus, I could not be reticent.  I walked right up to in front of the chairs and just cried out "LORD SAVE ME" in my spirit and practically weeping as I sang horribly with crowd.  Even now as I write this, the emotion of it is so high in my throat I could weep even now.

I cried out:

"Where is my salvation Lord, You are my salvations Jesus!"
"Where is my savior Lord, You are my savior Jesus!"
"Where is my help from, Your are my help Jesus!"

I felt the anguish that David must of felt when he wrote his psalm.

I cried out for Jesus and tonight he answered.  I practically danced I felt him around me so strongly.  I'm a big guy and I'm not very expressive with my body in that regard.  I tend to be somewhat reserved in nature there but tonight, I was moving around rather freely.  I sang my heart out and gloried in feeling the tangible presence of Jesus almost like he was right in front of me and we were hugging.  It was TOTALLY AWESOME.  If you've seen the movie "The Incredibles", I'm like the little kid on the tricycle at the end of the movie right now.

Well during that entire extremely wonderful, totally awesome, incredibly overpowering and uplifting and reaffirming experience, one of the singers started singing this line.

"And we will drink the marriage wine in that day"

I don't know what praise song this is from but when he sung it, John's telling of Jesus turning the water to wine was brought to mind and I didn't really realize the significance of it till now.  In fact there is even further significance to that miracle when you look at it more closely.  The HS brought that story to my mind and the message to me at that time from the HS was that the water he turned to wine was the water of baptism which is the wine of celebration for the marriage between Jesus and our spirits.  Here is the story in full.  You'll probably see what I saw very quickly given that message just as I did when I came and read it this evening.

Jn 2:1–12 (ESV) - On the third day there was a wedding at Cana in Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Jesus also was invited to the wedding with his disciples. When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.” And Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does this have to do with me? My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” Now there were six stone water jars there for the Jewish rites of purification, each holding twenty or thirty gallons. Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. And he said to them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the feast.” So they took it. When the master of the feast tasted the water now become wine, and did not know where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now.” This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested his glory. And his disciples believed in him. After this he went down to Capernaum, with his mother and his brothers and his disciples, and they stayed there for a few days.

This miracle surrounds the entire event of a wedding. That is a context of extreme importance.  The time of Jesus's wedding to us had not come here.  His wedding to those who believe in him is his crucifixion and rise from the dead.  We know that this is the "time" that he is referring to because he had already started his ministry.  By the time the wedding occurred he had already been baptized by John and called his first disciples.  The only time that he can then be referring to is his redemption of us sinners.  Combine that with the context of the wedding event and we see that he does not view this as HIS wedding so asks, "what does this have to do with me?" ^{Jn 2:4} This turns the entire event of the wedding at Cana into a representation of the wedding of Jesus to his church, namely us.

Given that foundation, we can very quickly take that parallel down to its conclusion of events.  Mary tells the servants to go and do whatever Jesus commands.  Jesus commanded us to spread the good news, baptize and make disciples of all nations.  The act of baptism is a representation of being reborn into Christ, into purity and righteousness.  The jars that were filled with water were likewise jars reserved for use in purification rites.  That is a clear and plain connection between the baptism and the water use here in the mirical.  The wine is "The Good Wine" that is used in celebration of the wedding.  It is in effect a wine of celebration of the marriage that previously occurred.  So conversely it teaches us that baptism is the water of celebration of our marriage to Christ that previously occurred on the cross and in our belief in Jesus.

Of significance also, this is evidence of the purpose and intention of the act of baptism.  My aunt Gloria has been sharing with me some of the Catholic belief on baptism.  Of how, according to Catholic belief, it is a sacramental act that bestows sanctification upon a person by the intention of the priest who performs the baptism.  So in essence, the act of baptism becomes the actual act of marriage between Jesus and ourselves.  The Catholic church is wrong in this belief and lead many astray due to it.  Thank you Jesus for giving us another representation of YOUR view of baptism.

Thank you lord for your gift to me this night of insight.